Boo Boo and the Beast

Update on Ady AKA "Boo Boo" as we call her (because she likes to play peekaboo all the time):

It's been a while since I posted an update on precious Adyson, so I thought you would all enjoy some fun pictures and fun facts about Ady lately. Ady is officially 21 months old, and she is as full of energy as ever.  It is fun to watch her in this stage of toddlerhood because she is starting to express independence and very strong opinions on things. She is very opinionated about what food she will or will not eat (even if she LOVED it the day before!). She likes to boss Izzy and Charlie both around by saying "no", "move", or "stay"; well, really she likes to boss everyone and everything. She does not want to have her teeth brushed anymore- even though she used to love it! She likes to sometimes pick out her clothes. Here is a picture of the lovely outfit she picked out the other day. You've gotta love the yellow hat with the red belt/scarf, not to mention her kitty-cat pajamas. I love it!

She has become incredibly ticklish, so of course we love tickling her as often as we can. Her and Daddy love to wrestle and rough house every evening before bed- in fact, I am pretty sure that is her favorite part of the day. Scott gets her laughing so hard sometimes that her little face turns red. Of course, then we all are laughing so hard at that point that I'm sure we all have red faces. Scott likes to "attack" or tickle Ady with her big sheep stuffed animal, and that usually gets Adyson really cracking up.

Now that the weather is nicer, I just started taking Ady to the park. She loves it! She'll go down the slide (with help from mommy or daddy, of course), swing, or climb around the equipment. It is a great activity for us to do together on warm days. She is such a social butterfly that she especially loves watching the other kids play and waving "hello" to everyone she sees. I think she has decided that it is her personal mission to make sure she waves at everyone, several times, before we leave anywhere. Here are some pictures of her first time swinging at the park!

I've decided that toddlers or 2 year olds really do have some very similar habits and attitudes as most teenagers. Here are 5 reasons why...

1. They sleep very hard and are not very happy to be woken up.

2. They like to act, dress, and think they are older than they really are.

3. When they decide they are hungry, they will eat everything in site.

4. They will often use technology to block out mom and dad

And...

5. It is their way or the highway, buster! "Talk to the hand, because I'm not listening!"

Hahaha! Toddlers are a wild breed of people, but I must say it is a fun stage. I am never bored. Ever. Ady really is a good little girl, and she is such a blessing to me and Scott. She has more words now than we can probably count, and just this weekend she started putting 2 words together- only sometimes, though. For example: "Mine Daddy" or "no! Stay!" It is exciting to think that she will be speaking in sentences one of these days! I can't even imagine all the things that she will come up with to say. 

Here are a couple more pictures of our favorite girl. Scott and I are so proud of her!

Check out those pigtails! ^

Mommy and Ady

Update on "The Beast" AKA Charlie:

Charlie is our other "baby", and I thought it appropriate to tell you about him. He just recently had his first experience at the puppy spa getting groomed. The poor dog was starting to look a little shaggy, so we decided it was time to get him a hair cut. I don't know what breed of dog they thought Charlie was, but they seemed to decide about halfway through that he was not a golden retriever and that instead he was more of a lab or poodle. Labropoodle Retriever? Hmm... Well, either way, they butchered all of his pretty "feathers" except for his mangy tail! Here are some before and after shots. He definitely looks quite better all things considered, but we miss his "fluffs" on his ears and ankles and chest. :*(

BEFORE:

(his belly fur was so long that when it was wet, it would almost touch the ground!)

AFTER: The Labropoodle Retriever

What a silly dog. In other Charlie news: He is still a HUGE fan again of digging in the back yard. We just got new sod put in last year, and he has already destroyed several sections. He just can't handle the sweet temptation of the fresh mud on his paws and on his nose. *sigh* He'll figure out that the trouble he gets in really isn't worth the bliss of digging... one of these days. Also, I now have proof that Izzy and Charlie are Best Friends Forever. 

They are now snuggle buddies and take naps together. So cute!

Well, as for the rest of us. We are doing pretty good. Scott is enjoying a slower season at work right now, and he is handsome as ever. He loves working out, playing with Ady and Charlie, and teasing me. Life is good! Izzy is still very chubby and very much so alive. Baby Jackson is growing right on schedule and is probably weighing about a pound and a half to 2 pounds now. We can't wait to meet him face to face! I am still struggling with depression, but I have really felt like I have turned a corner in the last week. My good days are starting to really outweigh my bad days. Praise the Lord for that!

I guess that is about all I have for you now. Hope you have a great week!

Love,

Karen Ruth

Oh my goodness, I almost forgot! Check out my adorable NEW Nephew named David Paul Sapp. He was born on May 6th (just 5 days ago!) at 10AM weighing 7lbs6oz. He is just a doll, and I can't wait to see him hopefully next week.

The last one ^ is of big brother Daniel meeting David while Grandma helps.

Light and Dark... Great Purpose in Both

     The other night, I was sitting in our dark living room looking out at the dark street, and I was praying for the Lord to somehow encourage me and get me through my depression. I had had a pretty rough day, and I was feeling overwhelmed with sadness. The street was completely dark except for some dim porch lights on our neighbor’s house across the street. My eyes were so drawn to those dim lights. I just couldn't help but stare at them. It was getting late, and my eyes were getting so tired that I found it to be easier to just close them and not focus on any of the lights. The darkness is so lonely, and as soon as I closed my eyes I could feel a huge wave of sadness rush over me. I forced myself to open my eyes and look at the welcoming dim lights as tired as I was. As I silently sat there, I had an interesting thought. The darkness is the best comparison I can think of for explaining how depression feels to me. It is like being in a thick darkness that is often overwhelming. I can’t see through it, and it feels so lonely. It is a darkness that I don’t just see, but one that I feel all around me and cutting through me. However, I have found that there are little dim lights of hope that burn through the darkness and offer something to distract me and to focus me in. The lights are like little windows to see out of this prison of darkness and into the hope and promise of a life without the dark veil. Sometimes it seems like it would be so much easier to just collapse into the dark days and close my eyes  and stop trying to focus on the dim lights of hope. But that would be an overwhelmingly lonely and bitter road to take, and I know that those glimmers of hope are worth focusing on instead. They're a lot prettier,too; that's for sure.

     The dim lights of hope that are piercing through my darkness and distracting me from this dark season are the encouraging words from Scripture and from friends that have come along to offer their support and hope. The darkness isn’t so lonely when there are a few little lights along the path to keep me focused and hopeful. Thank you to all of you who have offered such incredible words of encouragement and hope to me during this rough time. Your help isn't just something that I see tangibly, but something I feel as well.

       I think depression makes me more reflective since I have been so much more isolated and quiet. As I've been going to my counselor and working through my negative thinking patterns, I have found myself purposely trying to think about positive word pictures and examples to remind me of God's faithfulness, His power, and His caring heart towards His people. This is just another thought I was pondering this afternoon in my quiet time, and it encouraged me some. I thought I would share.

       I remember going to a star party with one of my lovely friends from high school and my dad to see a huge meteor shower. We drove for a couple of hours to get to the cactus flatlands of Colorado where it is dark and sheltered from the blinding city lights. The skies are always so dark out there, and it is a great place to look through telescopes or in our case, see a meteor shower. As the sun set for the evening and the first stars of the night began their dance, so did the meteor shower. Because the sky was so dark, we could see actual colors in the meteors as they streaked across the sky illuminating the prairie around us for just a few short seconds. Some of the tails from the meteors were so bright that they left an actual trail of light in the sky for several minutes. It was breathtaking. We stayed out there for hours just looking up into the sky watching the beautiful light show unable to really move for fear of missing the next meteor. We were even scared to say more than "wow! " or "Did you see that?!"  because we all really did feel speechless at the sight of such marvelous beauty.  The Bible tells us in Psalms 19:1 “The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of His hands.” Looking back to my memory of that incredible meteor shower, I can’t help but sing the praise of His incredible work. I decided that I think that it is in moments when the sky is darkest, God’s greatest glory and work can be displayed even more clearly and brilliantly. It is as if God uses the dark sky as a canvas to showcase His incredible works of beauty. All who see it can’t help but be drawn to Him in some way. I mean, even now if you were to go out into your backyard at nighttime and stare up at into the dark sky, your eyes would probably naturally be drawn to the stars or else to the house lights around you. Try to find a black spot and just stare at that spot for a while. Don't your eyes long for the stars instead? Don't they naturally seek a light- even just a faint glimmer? My prayer and my hope as I struggle through this dark season is that not only will I continue to focus on the little glimmers of hope that shine through but that I also can be used like a dark night sky to showcase His glory. No one seems to notice the dark sky as much when the streaks of light are glowing through. The dark fades and the light takes over. Wouldn't it be awesome if my depression has a purpose like the dark sky? What if somehow, by God's grace, my time of darkness can be used to showcase God's glory? What if this time of sickness could be used for God's ultimate glory and purpose? Hmm... Just pondering out loud.

"Therefore, we also pray always for you that our God would count you worthy of His calling, and fulfill all the good pleasure of His goodness and the work of faith with power, that the name of our Lord Jesus Christ may be glorified in you, and you in Him according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ." 2 Thessalonians 1:11-12

"Therefore the sisters sent to Him saying, 'Lord, behold, he whom You love is sick.' And when Jesus heard that, He said, ' This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God may be glorified through it'." John 11: 3-4

Enough

I have been trying to decide when the best time is to post this blog. I have been working on it and adding to it for about two months, and it is scary to finally feel like it is time to share. Many people around me know what this blog is about and might not understand why I am putting such a personal blog up for all to see, but for me it is important to be honest and real. It is freeing to write about my experiences and struggles, and I want to stop feeling like I have to hide from the truth and to just be real about the hurts I am feeling. Who knows who will read what I am struggling with and find someone to relate to in me?  So here it is. It is a work in progress, because I am a work in progress. As I mentioned above, this has been written over a couple months, so it may seem a little disjointed. However, I pray that as I share this personal trial that others will see God working in me and relate to my situation. 

I just recently finished going through a Bible study called Breaking Free. I was confronted with a lot of my strongholds and sins, and at times it was painful. Beth Moore defines the word Stronghold as “Anything that hinders a Christian from the abundant and effective Spirit-filled life that God has planned for them.” One week, I was studying specifically about the area of strongholds in the mind. Talk about my major malfunction! I think that this is the area that I struggle with the most as a Christian- in my head! I would be terrified if anyone knew or could hear what my thought life sounds like most of the time. I was reminded that although other people don’t know my thoughts, God most certainly does know. Psalm 139:1-3,23-24 says, “O Lord, You have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; You discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways... Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!” 

*Gulp* What a sobering reminder these verses are to me. My life on the outside may seem to appear slightly righteous and Christ-like; but my goodness, the inside of my mind is certainly a much darker and scarier place to behold. There are places in my mind that I have not surrendered to God to change. I have known for quite a while that these strongholds in my mind are slowly going to destroy me from the inside out, yet I still keep them locked away from His renewing and healing touch.

I happened to be reading through some old journals the other day from about 7 or 8 years ago- when I was a sophomore in college. I was dumbfounded that the same mind-traps and strongholds that I struggled with then, still consume me today as much and in most cases, even more than ever! As I finished this Bible study, I was frustrated because I knew exactly what the strongholds are that I have and what the negative thoughts are that I struggle with, but I couldn’t figure out why,after all this time, I am still consumed by the same thoughts and lies? I prayed, “Lord, what is my problem? Reveal to me what the BIG issue is so I can deal with it and then start working on all the other nasty problems that have sprung out as a result.” Then it hit me. I remembered something I wrote in one of my journals. I was praying in it  about my confusion and doubt with feelings I was having in my relationship with Scott as we were getting closer to becoming engaged and with my feelings of hurt from my ex-boyfriend from high school. I said, “I am so afraid of being hurt again. I am so scared of making mistakes. I am so scared that things will never work out- that one day Scott will wake up and realize that he really doesn’t love, value, or cherish me. That he will wake up and decide that I am not worth his time.” I then went on with a very long list of all the reasons people had “left” all throughout my life and how worried I was of the same things being repeated over and over continually throughout the rest of my life. At first glance, my fears seem justified and reasonable. Seriously, I had some horrible experiences that I put on this list! Maybe it’s the wisdom, by God’s grace, that I’ve gained over the last few years or just by God graciously hitting me over the head with the truth, but as I re-read this very intimate prayer I finally saw what the BIG issue in my life is, what caused it, and the beginnings of how to deal with it.

Last summer I spent many days working on getting rid of these awful “spider bushes”, as I call them, out of our front and back yard. I think I removed a total of 8 of these nasty pine-bush-things. The reason they are so difficult to get rid of is because they have a ridiculously long main root system. I don’t even really know how far the roots go down, but I’m pretty sure that I could hop on a plane to China and find the end all the way over there. The plant has many other roots that are strong, but none of them come even close to that main root. Even after pulling up and getting rid of the bush and the roots and after hacking into the main root system, the plant will still grow back. The only way to truly kill the weed/bush is to pour a ton of “Roundup” plant killer all over the main root system that remains. No living plant, even the really annoying, deep-rooted ones can survive with this chemical on it. It takes a lot of work to get just one of these “spider bushes” out of the yard, but eight? I think I could have given Popeye a run for his money with my biceps after that, even without eating spinach!

I hate those spider bushes, but what I hate even more are the “spider bushes” in my mind. I feel like the Lord has really revealed to me what the major root system is in my mind that is causing these “weeds” of sin, doubt, and depression to linger. I started making a list of all the sinful thoughts and lies  that I know I obsess over. The list grew and grew. They included things like: my weight, my frustrations with my husband, my broken relationship with my family members, my long-lost future career, my ex-boyfriend, my lack of parenting skills, and pride issues of wanting to be recognized. I clued in on one of the statements I wrote on my list: “I am not good enough”. I then started listing all of the people and circumstances where I felt like I was “not good enough”. The list included: as a wife, mother, homemaker, friend, daughter, sister, in-law, Christian, and citizen. I started then making a list of all the situations in my life where I could fill in the blank to this phrase: 

Not ______ enough.

Ah yes. Now I was truly getting somewhere. It was actually very sad how easy this list was for me to write and how painful each word was to me.

Not good enough

Not smart enough

Not pretty enough

Not articulate enough

Not graceful enough

Not athletic enough

Not wise enough

Not godly enough

Not skilled enough

Not energetic enough

Not skinny enough

Not fat enough

Not ready or prepared enough

Not organized enough

Not strong enough

Not desperate enough

Not funny enough

Not passionate enough

Not gifted enough

Not creative enough

Not patient enough

Not old enough

Not interesting enough

Not poor enough

Not rich enough

Not bad enough

Not needed enough

Even now as I read through this list again, I feel the sting of pain from each situation or experience that left these impressions on me. As I got to the end of writing this list, I decided that I am tired of feeling like I am not enough. I have had enough of the not enough’s! 

As I thought about this list, I realized that the name of this “Not enough” mentality had a name. The major root system supplying the energy and resources for all of my negative thought processes is the root system of Insecurity. It started to make sense. I struggle with negative thoughts about my self-image because I am insecure. I still ponder the what-if’s and how-come’s of my past, present, and future because I am insecure. I have a longing to be recognized as being truly good at something, anything, because I am insecure. I doubt the love of my husband, family, and friends because I am insecure. I feel completely overwhelmed and inadequate because I am insecure. I feel like I could just let out a huge sigh from the relief that I feel when I say, “I am insecure”  out loud because I can finally put my finger on what it is that is causing the negative thought processes that I have been struggling with for so long. I can finally say what the stronghold in my mind is. It is insecurity! I wonder if addicts feel this way the first time they can actually put words to their struggle, “I am an alcoholic” or “I am a drug addict”. It is scary to say because it admits out loud so much weakness, but it is also freeing. I truly struggle on a daily basis in every area of my life because I am so insecure. It is a real battle, and it is affecting everything. 

          One of the hardest weeds or consequences that has sprung up as a result of this main root of insecurity has been becoming not just a small little weed along my path, but it has become an overwhelming, consuming weed that is destroying me from the inside out. The monster weed that has sprung up from the taproot of insecurity in my life is depression.

           I have probably been struggling with depression since Ady was first born (aka postpartum depression), but I kept pushing it aside and trying to ignore it. Most days I felt a little clouded, but for the most part I was able to push through it. However, now that I am about halfway through my second pregnancy and the hormones are really kicking in, I have been an emotional wreck. It has been difficult some days to stop crying long enough to get myself calmed down and thinking clearly enough to function. I have been isolating myself more and more for fear of “losing it” in front of someone, and I have been overwhelmed with my feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness. Scott has been so gracious to listen and to help around the house wherever he can. In fact, he has been willing to spend entire evenings helping me fold and put away laundry, pick up the house, and do the dishes. Even still, I can’t help but feel so overwhelmed, anxious, and frustrated about all the things I need to do or want to do. I’ll start crying... again. I have just felt like such a terrible wife and mother and homemaker because I can’t really function in this state of insecurity and depression. I told Scott that checking off something from my to-do list doesn’t really even make me feel better; in fact, it just makes me feel guilty for not getting it done sooner or anxious about all the millions of other things that I need to do. 

I finally told my doctor about how “down” I’ve been feeling lately, and she recommended getting some counseling. After realizing the great insecurities I feel on a daily basis and the lack of emotional control I have, I have to agree with her. Counseling really isn’t that bad of an option, right? Clearly I am not processing or thinking correctly, so counseling may help me straighten out my thought processes and get over this depression and insecurity. Scott has also encouraged me to seek some professional help because he and I both don’t really know what to do anymore. I told him that I just want to sleep, but he just laughed and said that he doesn’t think that that will really solve anything.

For the last 3 weeks I have been meeting with a Christian counselor, and I pray that this will be the start to a permanent cure for my negative thought processes that are ripping me apart. I want to be excited about life. I want to enjoy this beautiful stage of young motherhood. Ady deserves to have a healthy mommy, and Scott deserves to have a healthy wife. I am hoping that counseling will work to chop into the weed of depression and taproot of insecurity. And I know that the only true “Roundup”  that I have in my possession to kill these weeds once and for all is through God's Word. I just want to get better. This depression and insecurity is sucking the life out of me.

“Strong on the outside, but coming apart at the seams- that’s me.

Tragically always together, but bruised underneath- that’s me.

I stand just to stumble, tripping on my pride.
Why do I always try to hide?

Here in the back of my heart, I’m desperate for all that You are. 

Undo me. Take me apart.

Here in the back of my soul, mend me Lord, please make me whole. 

You know just where to start. 

The back of my heart.

Patiently waiting to pick up the pieces of me- that’s You.

Healer of hearts when the world leaves it broken in 2- that’s You.

Maker of heaven, sky, and the sea, when You stretched Your hand, You reached for me.

You reached for me.

Here in the back of my heart, I’m desperate for all that You are. 

Undo me. Take me apart.

Here in the back of my soul, mend me Lord, please make me whole. 

You know just where to start. 

The back of my heart.

Back of my heart-

Back of my view-

Back of my brokenness- 

Let me be healed.

Now that I’m exposed, I’m not afraid anymore.

I’m desperate for all that You are. Undo me.”

Above are some song lyrics that I have recently heard and I feel like they sum up much of how I feel. I especially love one of the last lines that says, “Now that I’m exposed, I’m not afraid anymore.” I guess that is why I am posting this blog. As embarrassing as it is, it feels good to get it off of my chest and into the open. This weed in my life is getting harder and harder to hide, and I don’t want to keep hiding it anymore. I just want to expose it as the weed it is and to get healed as quick as possible. I have depression and I am insecure. I pray the Lord will mend my broken mind, heart, and emotion, and that He will make me whole. Thank you for reading this, and I would appreciate your prayers and support. 

“But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. ‘The lord is my portion,’ says my soul, ‘therefore I will hope in Him.’ The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him.” 

Lamentations 3:21-26

“I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord!” Psalm 27:13-14

“Therefore, let those who suffer according to God’s will entrust their souls to a faithful creator while doing good.” 

1 Peter 4:19