Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Enough

I have been trying to decide when the best time is to post this blog. I have been working on it and adding to it for about two months, and it is scary to finally feel like it is time to share. Many people around me know what this blog is about and might not understand why I am putting such a personal blog up for all to see, but for me it is important to be honest and real. It is freeing to write about my experiences and struggles, and I want to stop feeling like I have to hide from the truth and to just be real about the hurts I am feeling. Who knows who will read what I am struggling with and find someone to relate to in me?  So here it is. It is a work in progress, because I am a work in progress. As I mentioned above, this has been written over a couple months, so it may seem a little disjointed. However, I pray that as I share this personal trial that others will see God working in me and relate to my situation. 

I just recently finished going through a Bible study called Breaking Free. I was confronted with a lot of my strongholds and sins, and at times it was painful. Beth Moore defines the word Stronghold as “Anything that hinders a Christian from the abundant and effective Spirit-filled life that God has planned for them.” One week, I was studying specifically about the area of strongholds in the mind. Talk about my major malfunction! I think that this is the area that I struggle with the most as a Christian- in my head! I would be terrified if anyone knew or could hear what my thought life sounds like most of the time. I was reminded that although other people don’t know my thoughts, God most certainly does know. Psalm 139:1-3,23-24 says, “O Lord, You have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; You discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways... Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!” 
*Gulp* What a sobering reminder these verses are to me. My life on the outside may seem to appear slightly righteous and Christ-like; but my goodness, the inside of my mind is certainly a much darker and scarier place to behold. There are places in my mind that I have not surrendered to God to change. I have known for quite a while that these strongholds in my mind are slowly going to destroy me from the inside out, yet I still keep them locked away from His renewing and healing touch.
I happened to be reading through some old journals the other day from about 7 or 8 years ago- when I was a sophomore in college. I was dumbfounded that the same mind-traps and strongholds that I struggled with then, still consume me today as much and in most cases, even more than ever! As I finished this Bible study, I was frustrated because I knew exactly what the strongholds are that I have and what the negative thoughts are that I struggle with, but I couldn’t figure out why,after all this time, I am still consumed by the same thoughts and lies? I prayed, “Lord, what is my problem? Reveal to me what the BIG issue is so I can deal with it and then start working on all the other nasty problems that have sprung out as a result.” Then it hit me. I remembered something I wrote in one of my journals. I was praying in it  about my confusion and doubt with feelings I was having in my relationship with Scott as we were getting closer to becoming engaged and with my feelings of hurt from my ex-boyfriend from high school. I said, “I am so afraid of being hurt again. I am so scared of making mistakes. I am so scared that things will never work out- that one day Scott will wake up and realize that he really doesn’t love, value, or cherish me. That he will wake up and decide that I am not worth his time.” I then went on with a very long list of all the reasons people had “left” all throughout my life and how worried I was of the same things being repeated over and over continually throughout the rest of my life. At first glance, my fears seem justified and reasonable. Seriously, I had some horrible experiences that I put on this list! Maybe it’s the wisdom, by God’s grace, that I’ve gained over the last few years or just by God graciously hitting me over the head with the truth, but as I re-read this very intimate prayer I finally saw what the BIG issue in my life is, what caused it, and the beginnings of how to deal with it.
Last summer I spent many days working on getting rid of these awful “spider bushes”, as I call them, out of our front and back yard. I think I removed a total of 8 of these nasty pine-bush-things. The reason they are so difficult to get rid of is because they have a ridiculously long main root system. I don’t even really know how far the roots go down, but I’m pretty sure that I could hop on a plane to China and find the end all the way over there. The plant has many other roots that are strong, but none of them come even close to that main root. Even after pulling up and getting rid of the bush and the roots and after hacking into the main root system, the plant will still grow back. The only way to truly kill the weed/bush is to pour a ton of “Roundup” plant killer all over the main root system that remains. No living plant, even the really annoying, deep-rooted ones can survive with this chemical on it. It takes a lot of work to get just one of these “spider bushes” out of the yard, but eight? I think I could have given Popeye a run for his money with my biceps after that, even without eating spinach!
I hate those spider bushes, but what I hate even more are the “spider bushes” in my mind. I feel like the Lord has really revealed to me what the major root system is in my mind that is causing these “weeds” of sin, doubt, and depression to linger. I started making a list of all the sinful thoughts and lies  that I know I obsess over. The list grew and grew. They included things like: my weight, my frustrations with my husband, my broken relationship with my family members, my long-lost future career, my ex-boyfriend, my lack of parenting skills, and pride issues of wanting to be recognized. I clued in on one of the statements I wrote on my list: “I am not good enough”. I then started listing all of the people and circumstances where I felt like I was “not good enough”. The list included: as a wife, mother, homemaker, friend, daughter, sister, in-law, Christian, and citizen. I started then making a list of all the situations in my life where I could fill in the blank to this phrase: 
Not ______ enough.
Ah yes. Now I was truly getting somewhere. It was actually very sad how easy this list was for me to write and how painful each word was to me.
Not good enough
Not smart enough
Not pretty enough
Not articulate enough
Not graceful enough
Not athletic enough
Not wise enough
Not godly enough
Not skilled enough
Not energetic enough
Not skinny enough
Not fat enough
Not ready or prepared enough
Not organized enough
Not strong enough
Not desperate enough
Not funny enough
Not passionate enough
Not gifted enough
Not creative enough
Not patient enough
Not old enough
Not interesting enough
Not poor enough
Not rich enough
Not bad enough
Not needed enough
Even now as I read through this list again, I feel the sting of pain from each situation or experience that left these impressions on me. As I got to the end of writing this list, I decided that I am tired of feeling like I am not enough. I have had enough of the not enough’s! 
As I thought about this list, I realized that the name of this “Not enough” mentality had a name. The major root system supplying the energy and resources for all of my negative thought processes is the root system of Insecurity. It started to make sense. I struggle with negative thoughts about my self-image because I am insecure. I still ponder the what-if’s and how-come’s of my past, present, and future because I am insecure. I have a longing to be recognized as being truly good at something, anything, because I am insecure. I doubt the love of my husband, family, and friends because I am insecure. I feel completely overwhelmed and inadequate because I am insecure. I feel like I could just let out a huge sigh from the relief that I feel when I say, “I am insecure”  out loud because I can finally put my finger on what it is that is causing the negative thought processes that I have been struggling with for so long. I can finally say what the stronghold in my mind is. It is insecurity! I wonder if addicts feel this way the first time they can actually put words to their struggle, “I am an alcoholic” or “I am a drug addict”. It is scary to say because it admits out loud so much weakness, but it is also freeing. I truly struggle on a daily basis in every area of my life because I am so insecure. It is a real battle, and it is affecting everything. 
          One of the hardest weeds or consequences that has sprung up as a result of this main root of insecurity has been becoming not just a small little weed along my path, but it has become an overwhelming, consuming weed that is destroying me from the inside out. The monster weed that has sprung up from the taproot of insecurity in my life is depression.
           I have probably been struggling with depression since Ady was first born (aka postpartum depression), but I kept pushing it aside and trying to ignore it. Most days I felt a little clouded, but for the most part I was able to push through it. However, now that I am about halfway through my second pregnancy and the hormones are really kicking in, I have been an emotional wreck. It has been difficult some days to stop crying long enough to get myself calmed down and thinking clearly enough to function. I have been isolating myself more and more for fear of “losing it” in front of someone, and I have been overwhelmed with my feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness. Scott has been so gracious to listen and to help around the house wherever he can. In fact, he has been willing to spend entire evenings helping me fold and put away laundry, pick up the house, and do the dishes. Even still, I can’t help but feel so overwhelmed, anxious, and frustrated about all the things I need to do or want to do. I’ll start crying... again. I have just felt like such a terrible wife and mother and homemaker because I can’t really function in this state of insecurity and depression. I told Scott that checking off something from my to-do list doesn’t really even make me feel better; in fact, it just makes me feel guilty for not getting it done sooner or anxious about all the millions of other things that I need to do. 
I finally told my doctor about how “down” I’ve been feeling lately, and she recommended getting some counseling. After realizing the great insecurities I feel on a daily basis and the lack of emotional control I have, I have to agree with her. Counseling really isn’t that bad of an option, right? Clearly I am not processing or thinking correctly, so counseling may help me straighten out my thought processes and get over this depression and insecurity. Scott has also encouraged me to seek some professional help because he and I both don’t really know what to do anymore. I told him that I just want to sleep, but he just laughed and said that he doesn’t think that that will really solve anything.
For the last 3 weeks I have been meeting with a Christian counselor, and I pray that this will be the start to a permanent cure for my negative thought processes that are ripping me apart. I want to be excited about life. I want to enjoy this beautiful stage of young motherhood. Ady deserves to have a healthy mommy, and Scott deserves to have a healthy wife. I am hoping that counseling will work to chop into the weed of depression and taproot of insecurity. And I know that the only true “Roundup”  that I have in my possession to kill these weeds once and for all is through God's Word. I just want to get better. This depression and insecurity is sucking the life out of me.
“Strong on the outside, but coming apart at the seams- that’s me.
Tragically always together, but bruised underneath- that’s me.
I stand just to stumble, tripping on my pride.
Why do I always try to hide?
Here in the back of my heart, I’m desperate for all that You are. 
Undo me. Take me apart.
Here in the back of my soul, mend me Lord, please make me whole. 
You know just where to start. 
The back of my heart.
Patiently waiting to pick up the pieces of me- that’s You.
Healer of hearts when the world leaves it broken in 2- that’s You.
Maker of heaven, sky, and the sea, when You stretched Your hand, You reached for me.
You reached for me.
Here in the back of my heart, I’m desperate for all that You are. 
Undo me. Take me apart.
Here in the back of my soul, mend me Lord, please make me whole. 
You know just where to start. 
The back of my heart.


Back of my heart-
Back of my view-
Back of my brokenness- 
Let me be healed.
Now that I’m exposed, I’m not afraid anymore.
I’m desperate for all that You are. Undo me.”
Above are some song lyrics that I have recently heard and I feel like they sum up much of how I feel. I especially love one of the last lines that says, “Now that I’m exposed, I’m not afraid anymore.” I guess that is why I am posting this blog. As embarrassing as it is, it feels good to get it off of my chest and into the open. This weed in my life is getting harder and harder to hide, and I don’t want to keep hiding it anymore. I just want to expose it as the weed it is and to get healed as quick as possible. I have depression and I am insecure. I pray the Lord will mend my broken mind, heart, and emotion, and that He will make me whole. Thank you for reading this, and I would appreciate your prayers and support. 
“But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. ‘The lord is my portion,’ says my soul, ‘therefore I will hope in Him.’ The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him.” 
Lamentations 3:21-26
“I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord!” Psalm 27:13-14
“Therefore, let those who suffer according to God’s will entrust their souls to a faithful creator while doing good.” 
1 Peter 4:19

Friday, April 16, 2010

He's on his way!

Well, I am happy to report that we are going to be adding a little BOY to our family in August! Scott and I are very excited. I thought he was going to be a boy because I dreamed twice that he was a boy, and Scott was convinced he was going to be a girl. He even wore a pink shirt to the ultrasound. I thought it would be easier to have another girl since we have all the girl stuff, but Scott wanted to have a little boy. One could say that we were pretty split down the middle on it. We would have been excited either way, but we are definitely excited to experience what it is like to raise a little boy. Here are some ultrasound pictures:
 
The above picture shows his face in profile.



In this above picture you can see his head (circle on right) and belly with spine (Left circle) and an arm coming off of the top. He's a big boy- already weighing around a pound and 1 ounce!



This picture speaks for itself. 

We already have a name picked out for our little man. It is Jackson Douglas Willcutts.  We'll probably call him little "Jack" as a nickname. Please keep him in your prayers, and now you can even pray for him by name! We are hoping he will be here a week early around August 14th.

As for the rest of the family, we are all doing pretty well. Scott is just finishing busy season, and he leaves for his last trip this weekend. We are excited for his schedule to slow down a little bit. I've been struggling with some depression, but I am finally getting some help with it and hope to be on the mend as soon as possible.

My mom came down the end of last week and helped me completely clean and organize just about our entire house. She started by cleaning the carpets on our most dirty floors, and then turned into the energizer bunny and organized every closet and room from the basement up! My dad came down last weekend on Saturday and built us some amazing storage shelves for our garage, and he and Scott finished cleaning and organizing the garage. What a huge help! Thank you, Mom and Dad! WOW! 

With my mom's help, I was able to finish getting Ady's room completely toddler-fied, and now she is officially sleeping in there. Her first night in the toddler bed was Friday night. She has done so well adjusting to her new bed. Even for her naps she has been sleeping very well. The funny part is that Scott and I were so nervous to get her out of her crib and into the toddler bed because we assumed that she was going to stop sleeping through the night and stop taking naps. Boy were we wrong! She has done great! Here are some fun pictures of her in her "new" bedroom.


Ady in her crib for one of the last times.



Not a baby anymore. Here is our little princess in her princess bed! What a big girl!


The perfect toddler room and bed for our little girly girl.  It is now as safe as we can get it for a toddler! Yea!

My dad building shelves for the garage and my mom helping to clean and organize:


Scott's mom came down to help out on Sunday, and she got to come with us to see our ultrasound on Monday. It was fun to have her there with us. She had never seen an ultrasound before, so I think she enjoyed getting to come. She stayed until Wednesday evening, and it was wonderful to have her here to help clean and watch Ady so I could go to some appointments. Ady loves playing with Nana, and she had a blast getting to have her here for so long. 

 
Above: Nana and Ady watching TV with "baby" and Izzy

One evening while Tricia was here this week, she watched Ady so Scott and I could go out to dinner together. It has been a couple months since we've gotten to go on a "real" date, so it was a huge blessing to get out and have a nice dinner together. We always love getting to spend that time together catching up and being reminded why we love each other and why we are such a good team. What a much needed blessing! Thank you to all of the very wonderful support, encouragement, and help we got this last week from our families!

Above left: Scott and me about to go on our date. Above right: The baby Jackson bump at 21 weeks

As my readers can see and read, it has been a busy week. I'll keep you all posted on life as I can. 
Have a great weekend!
Love,
Karen Ruth

ps. I cant resist the desire to post these last two pictures of my "big girl" walking in my red high heels. Scott helped her get both of them on, and then she walked around the office for quite a while. She is quite the little ball of joy and fun for us.


Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Half-way There!

Believe it or not, but I am officially half-way through this pregnancy! It is amazing how much faster this pregnancy is going compared to being pregnant the first time. I think I am much more distracted by chasing Ady around, so time seems to be passing much faster.  We find out next Monday if the baby is a girl or a boy! What is your guess? Scott seems to be convinced that it is another girl, and I had a dream that it is a boy. I guess we shall all just have to wait and see. I am so excited to find out, though! Here is a random information buzz about our growing baby at 20 weeks! Enjoy! (no that is not a picture of our baby- it is someone else's baby at 20 weeks. Look how clear the features are! Wow!)


20 week ultrasoundOver the last four weeks, your baby has grown an incredible amount, and has just about quadrupled his weight. He's big enough that you should be feeling fluttering or quickening quite regularly now. In fact, from his movements you may be able to tell if your baby is awake or asleep. Your baby is anywhere from 25 - 28 cm or 10 inches long and weighs 285-300 grams or 10-11 ounces. 

Your baby has started to practice breathing motions, even though his lungs are not yet mature enough to breathe enough air to allow him to survive outside your body. Lanugo (the fine hair) covers your baby's whole body, and hair on his scalp is beginning to grow. Your baby's ears are fully functional now and he enjoys the sound of uterine noise. All the organs and structures of your baby's body are formed and your baby is now entering a period of simple growth. And you may be getting ready to be a grandma already: if your baby is a girl, her uterus is beginning to develop!





We had such a lovely Easter weekend up in Loveland this year. It was nice to visit our old home church in Greeley and visit with some "old" friends. We had a nice Easter dinner with Scott's family and some church friends at Bill and Tricia's house in Loveland. It was a gorgeous sunny day, so we spent much time outside enjoying the beautiful lake and some gorgeous blue sky.
Here are some pictures from our special weekend celebrating the resurrection of our Lord and Savior, Jesus! He is risen!

Our Easter hats!

My sweet family. Notice that Ady and her babydoll have the same dress. They were darling!

Ady was so sleepy, and she just snuggled in tighter and tighter to her daddy!

so cute:)


Aunt Sarah and Uncle Jeffy


I hope that you were able to get out and enjoy the holiday weekend with your family. I'll keep you posted on how the ultrasound goes next week, and on anything that we find out regarding the gender. Hmmm... will the nursery be pink or blue?
I am so excited!!

Friday, April 2, 2010

Adyson's new words and tricks

I thought it would be fun to post some videos of Ady showing off some new tricks. She was eating dinner by herself at the same time, which is also one of her new tricks. She seems to learn a new word or skill just about every day, and it is fun to watch her blossom into the little girl she is! Our source of entertainment from her is never ending.

The videos wouldn't download onto the blog, so here are the links to YouTube again. Enjoy!
Ady shows some tricks and says, "bye-bye" for the first time:

Ady shows some tricks and new words:


We just went to the cabin in Estes last week while Scott was up there working. It was such a blast to get to spend some time up in the lovely snow and mountains. On my way up, I had to stop at my parents' house for the night because the snow storm was too bad to drive in. It was an unexpected stop, but it was wonderful to get to see my parents for a night. The next morning, Charlie, Ady and I all headed up to Estes Park. It was a gorgeous drive up the canyon with all the fresh snow from the night before. The sun was shining and the sky was a beautiful bright blue. It was breathtaking! 
Some of Scott's family came up to the cabin that day to celebrate Sarah's birthday. She just turned 20, and we had a wonderful time celebrating her birthday. Below are some pictures of the fun!
 
Above: Everyone enjoying some key lime pie! mmmm! 
Below: Tricia and Sarah- two very fun people to be with!
 
The next morning, I got to spend some good quiet time at the cabin with just Ady and Charlie. It was so refreshing. Ady loved getting to run around on the deck outside and climb on the chairs. Charlie loved playing fetch in the snow with snowballs. The snow was so deep in spots that it was up to his mid-chest!  I just enjoyed being with my sweet baby girl and puppy up at the cabin, and I even got to take a nice nap before we headed back home to Colorado Springs! 
Scott ended up working quite a bit, but I still got to see him for lunch on Wednesday, and then he stayed the night Wednesday up at the cabin. It is cool when he gets to work in places where we can go too.
Here are some more pictures from the cabin:
Below: Good Ol' Charles (as my dad calls him)
Below left: Ady and I like to giggle... A lot! She is so funny.  Below Right: Ady enjoying a PBJ just before nap time at the cabin. I love her expression. She looks like she's singing!


Below left: Ady playing Peekaboo or "Boo" as she calls it.  Below right: One of the funniest expressions I have ever caught Ady making! She climbed up on this chair at the cabin and didn't realize it was a rocking chair. Every time she tried to scoot out, the chair would rock harder. She would then get very frustrated. By the time I took this picture I was laughing so hard the camera was shaking and she was squealing very loudly. Don't worry, though, I got her down soon after. Man she cracks me up!

  

Below: Ady is obsessed with wearing big people shoes. Up at the cabin she LOVED getting to wear Pappy's slippers and march around the cabin in them.



Well, I better get going for now. I hope this blog finds you well. I am just about halfway through this next pregnancy, and we find out in a week and a half if it's a girl or boy. It has been going very well. I am much more tired this time around, but I guess that is to be expected since I am chasing and playing with Ady all day!
Have a wonderful day!
Karen Ruth