Enough

I have been trying to decide when the best time is to post this blog. I have been working on it and adding to it for about two months, and it is scary to finally feel like it is time to share. Many people around me know what this blog is about and might not understand why I am putting such a personal blog up for all to see, but for me it is important to be honest and real. It is freeing to write about my experiences and struggles, and I want to stop feeling like I have to hide from the truth and to just be real about the hurts I am feeling. Who knows who will read what I am struggling with and find someone to relate to in me?  So here it is. It is a work in progress, because I am a work in progress. As I mentioned above, this has been written over a couple months, so it may seem a little disjointed. However, I pray that as I share this personal trial that others will see God working in me and relate to my situation. 

I just recently finished going through a Bible study called Breaking Free. I was confronted with a lot of my strongholds and sins, and at times it was painful. Beth Moore defines the word Stronghold as “Anything that hinders a Christian from the abundant and effective Spirit-filled life that God has planned for them.” One week, I was studying specifically about the area of strongholds in the mind. Talk about my major malfunction! I think that this is the area that I struggle with the most as a Christian- in my head! I would be terrified if anyone knew or could hear what my thought life sounds like most of the time. I was reminded that although other people don’t know my thoughts, God most certainly does know. Psalm 139:1-3,23-24 says, “O Lord, You have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; You discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways... Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!” 

*Gulp* What a sobering reminder these verses are to me. My life on the outside may seem to appear slightly righteous and Christ-like; but my goodness, the inside of my mind is certainly a much darker and scarier place to behold. There are places in my mind that I have not surrendered to God to change. I have known for quite a while that these strongholds in my mind are slowly going to destroy me from the inside out, yet I still keep them locked away from His renewing and healing touch.

I happened to be reading through some old journals the other day from about 7 or 8 years ago- when I was a sophomore in college. I was dumbfounded that the same mind-traps and strongholds that I struggled with then, still consume me today as much and in most cases, even more than ever! As I finished this Bible study, I was frustrated because I knew exactly what the strongholds are that I have and what the negative thoughts are that I struggle with, but I couldn’t figure out why,after all this time, I am still consumed by the same thoughts and lies? I prayed, “Lord, what is my problem? Reveal to me what the BIG issue is so I can deal with it and then start working on all the other nasty problems that have sprung out as a result.” Then it hit me. I remembered something I wrote in one of my journals. I was praying in it  about my confusion and doubt with feelings I was having in my relationship with Scott as we were getting closer to becoming engaged and with my feelings of hurt from my ex-boyfriend from high school. I said, “I am so afraid of being hurt again. I am so scared of making mistakes. I am so scared that things will never work out- that one day Scott will wake up and realize that he really doesn’t love, value, or cherish me. That he will wake up and decide that I am not worth his time.” I then went on with a very long list of all the reasons people had “left” all throughout my life and how worried I was of the same things being repeated over and over continually throughout the rest of my life. At first glance, my fears seem justified and reasonable. Seriously, I had some horrible experiences that I put on this list! Maybe it’s the wisdom, by God’s grace, that I’ve gained over the last few years or just by God graciously hitting me over the head with the truth, but as I re-read this very intimate prayer I finally saw what the BIG issue in my life is, what caused it, and the beginnings of how to deal with it.

Last summer I spent many days working on getting rid of these awful “spider bushes”, as I call them, out of our front and back yard. I think I removed a total of 8 of these nasty pine-bush-things. The reason they are so difficult to get rid of is because they have a ridiculously long main root system. I don’t even really know how far the roots go down, but I’m pretty sure that I could hop on a plane to China and find the end all the way over there. The plant has many other roots that are strong, but none of them come even close to that main root. Even after pulling up and getting rid of the bush and the roots and after hacking into the main root system, the plant will still grow back. The only way to truly kill the weed/bush is to pour a ton of “Roundup” plant killer all over the main root system that remains. No living plant, even the really annoying, deep-rooted ones can survive with this chemical on it. It takes a lot of work to get just one of these “spider bushes” out of the yard, but eight? I think I could have given Popeye a run for his money with my biceps after that, even without eating spinach!

I hate those spider bushes, but what I hate even more are the “spider bushes” in my mind. I feel like the Lord has really revealed to me what the major root system is in my mind that is causing these “weeds” of sin, doubt, and depression to linger. I started making a list of all the sinful thoughts and lies  that I know I obsess over. The list grew and grew. They included things like: my weight, my frustrations with my husband, my broken relationship with my family members, my long-lost future career, my ex-boyfriend, my lack of parenting skills, and pride issues of wanting to be recognized. I clued in on one of the statements I wrote on my list: “I am not good enough”. I then started listing all of the people and circumstances where I felt like I was “not good enough”. The list included: as a wife, mother, homemaker, friend, daughter, sister, in-law, Christian, and citizen. I started then making a list of all the situations in my life where I could fill in the blank to this phrase: 

Not ______ enough.

Ah yes. Now I was truly getting somewhere. It was actually very sad how easy this list was for me to write and how painful each word was to me.

Not good enough

Not smart enough

Not pretty enough

Not articulate enough

Not graceful enough

Not athletic enough

Not wise enough

Not godly enough

Not skilled enough

Not energetic enough

Not skinny enough

Not fat enough

Not ready or prepared enough

Not organized enough

Not strong enough

Not desperate enough

Not funny enough

Not passionate enough

Not gifted enough

Not creative enough

Not patient enough

Not old enough

Not interesting enough

Not poor enough

Not rich enough

Not bad enough

Not needed enough

Even now as I read through this list again, I feel the sting of pain from each situation or experience that left these impressions on me. As I got to the end of writing this list, I decided that I am tired of feeling like I am not enough. I have had enough of the not enough’s! 

As I thought about this list, I realized that the name of this “Not enough” mentality had a name. The major root system supplying the energy and resources for all of my negative thought processes is the root system of Insecurity. It started to make sense. I struggle with negative thoughts about my self-image because I am insecure. I still ponder the what-if’s and how-come’s of my past, present, and future because I am insecure. I have a longing to be recognized as being truly good at something, anything, because I am insecure. I doubt the love of my husband, family, and friends because I am insecure. I feel completely overwhelmed and inadequate because I am insecure. I feel like I could just let out a huge sigh from the relief that I feel when I say, “I am insecure”  out loud because I can finally put my finger on what it is that is causing the negative thought processes that I have been struggling with for so long. I can finally say what the stronghold in my mind is. It is insecurity! I wonder if addicts feel this way the first time they can actually put words to their struggle, “I am an alcoholic” or “I am a drug addict”. It is scary to say because it admits out loud so much weakness, but it is also freeing. I truly struggle on a daily basis in every area of my life because I am so insecure. It is a real battle, and it is affecting everything. 

          One of the hardest weeds or consequences that has sprung up as a result of this main root of insecurity has been becoming not just a small little weed along my path, but it has become an overwhelming, consuming weed that is destroying me from the inside out. The monster weed that has sprung up from the taproot of insecurity in my life is depression.

           I have probably been struggling with depression since Ady was first born (aka postpartum depression), but I kept pushing it aside and trying to ignore it. Most days I felt a little clouded, but for the most part I was able to push through it. However, now that I am about halfway through my second pregnancy and the hormones are really kicking in, I have been an emotional wreck. It has been difficult some days to stop crying long enough to get myself calmed down and thinking clearly enough to function. I have been isolating myself more and more for fear of “losing it” in front of someone, and I have been overwhelmed with my feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness. Scott has been so gracious to listen and to help around the house wherever he can. In fact, he has been willing to spend entire evenings helping me fold and put away laundry, pick up the house, and do the dishes. Even still, I can’t help but feel so overwhelmed, anxious, and frustrated about all the things I need to do or want to do. I’ll start crying... again. I have just felt like such a terrible wife and mother and homemaker because I can’t really function in this state of insecurity and depression. I told Scott that checking off something from my to-do list doesn’t really even make me feel better; in fact, it just makes me feel guilty for not getting it done sooner or anxious about all the millions of other things that I need to do. 

I finally told my doctor about how “down” I’ve been feeling lately, and she recommended getting some counseling. After realizing the great insecurities I feel on a daily basis and the lack of emotional control I have, I have to agree with her. Counseling really isn’t that bad of an option, right? Clearly I am not processing or thinking correctly, so counseling may help me straighten out my thought processes and get over this depression and insecurity. Scott has also encouraged me to seek some professional help because he and I both don’t really know what to do anymore. I told him that I just want to sleep, but he just laughed and said that he doesn’t think that that will really solve anything.

For the last 3 weeks I have been meeting with a Christian counselor, and I pray that this will be the start to a permanent cure for my negative thought processes that are ripping me apart. I want to be excited about life. I want to enjoy this beautiful stage of young motherhood. Ady deserves to have a healthy mommy, and Scott deserves to have a healthy wife. I am hoping that counseling will work to chop into the weed of depression and taproot of insecurity. And I know that the only true “Roundup”  that I have in my possession to kill these weeds once and for all is through God's Word. I just want to get better. This depression and insecurity is sucking the life out of me.

“Strong on the outside, but coming apart at the seams- that’s me.

Tragically always together, but bruised underneath- that’s me.

I stand just to stumble, tripping on my pride.
Why do I always try to hide?

Here in the back of my heart, I’m desperate for all that You are. 

Undo me. Take me apart.

Here in the back of my soul, mend me Lord, please make me whole. 

You know just where to start. 

The back of my heart.

Patiently waiting to pick up the pieces of me- that’s You.

Healer of hearts when the world leaves it broken in 2- that’s You.

Maker of heaven, sky, and the sea, when You stretched Your hand, You reached for me.

You reached for me.

Here in the back of my heart, I’m desperate for all that You are. 

Undo me. Take me apart.

Here in the back of my soul, mend me Lord, please make me whole. 

You know just where to start. 

The back of my heart.

Back of my heart-

Back of my view-

Back of my brokenness- 

Let me be healed.

Now that I’m exposed, I’m not afraid anymore.

I’m desperate for all that You are. Undo me.”

Above are some song lyrics that I have recently heard and I feel like they sum up much of how I feel. I especially love one of the last lines that says, “Now that I’m exposed, I’m not afraid anymore.” I guess that is why I am posting this blog. As embarrassing as it is, it feels good to get it off of my chest and into the open. This weed in my life is getting harder and harder to hide, and I don’t want to keep hiding it anymore. I just want to expose it as the weed it is and to get healed as quick as possible. I have depression and I am insecure. I pray the Lord will mend my broken mind, heart, and emotion, and that He will make me whole. Thank you for reading this, and I would appreciate your prayers and support. 

“But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. ‘The lord is my portion,’ says my soul, ‘therefore I will hope in Him.’ The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him.” 

Lamentations 3:21-26

“I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord!” Psalm 27:13-14

“Therefore, let those who suffer according to God’s will entrust their souls to a faithful creator while doing good.” 

1 Peter 4:19