The other night, I was sitting in our dark living room looking out at the dark street, and I was praying for the Lord to somehow encourage me and get me through my depression. I had had a pretty rough day, and I was feeling overwhelmed with sadness. The street was completely dark except for some dim porch lights on our neighbor’s house across the street. My eyes were so drawn to those dim lights. I just couldn't help but stare at them. It was getting late, and my eyes were getting so tired that I found it to be easier to just close them and not focus on any of the lights. The darkness is so lonely, and as soon as I closed my eyes I could feel a huge wave of sadness rush over me. I forced myself to open my eyes and look at the welcoming dim lights as tired as I was. As I silently sat there, I had an interesting thought. The darkness is the best comparison I can think of for explaining how depression feels to me. It is like being in a thick darkness that is often overwhelming. I can’t see through it, and it feels so lonely. It is a darkness that I don’t just see, but one that I feel all around me and cutting through me. However, I have found that there are little dim lights of hope that burn through the darkness and offer something to distract me and to focus me in. The lights are like little windows to see out of this prison of darkness and into the hope and promise of a life without the dark veil. Sometimes it seems like it would be so much easier to just collapse into the dark days and close my eyes and stop trying to focus on the dim lights of hope. But that would be an overwhelmingly lonely and bitter road to take, and I know that those glimmers of hope are worth focusing on instead. They're a lot prettier,too; that's for sure.
The dim lights of hope that are piercing through my darkness and distracting me from this dark season are the encouraging words from Scripture and from friends that have come along to offer their support and hope. The darkness isn’t so lonely when there are a few little lights along the path to keep me focused and hopeful. Thank you to all of you who have offered such incredible words of encouragement and hope to me during this rough time. Your help isn't just something that I see tangibly, but something I feel as well.
I think depression makes me more reflective since I have been so much more isolated and quiet. As I've been going to my counselor and working through my negative thinking patterns, I have found myself purposely trying to think about positive word pictures and examples to remind me of God's faithfulness, His power, and His caring heart towards His people. This is just another thought I was pondering this afternoon in my quiet time, and it encouraged me some. I thought I would share.
I remember going to a star party with one of my lovely friends from high school and my dad to see a huge meteor shower. We drove for a couple of hours to get to the cactus flatlands of Colorado where it is dark and sheltered from the blinding city lights. The skies are always so dark out there, and it is a great place to look through telescopes or in our case, see a meteor shower. As the sun set for the evening and the first stars of the night began their dance, so did the meteor shower. Because the sky was so dark, we could see actual colors in the meteors as they streaked across the sky illuminating the prairie around us for just a few short seconds. Some of the tails from the meteors were so bright that they left an actual trail of light in the sky for several minutes. It was breathtaking. We stayed out there for hours just looking up into the sky watching the beautiful light show unable to really move for fear of missing the next meteor. We were even scared to say more than "wow! " or "Did you see that?!" because we all really did feel speechless at the sight of such marvelous beauty. The Bible tells us in Psalms 19:1 “The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of His hands.” Looking back to my memory of that incredible meteor shower, I can’t help but sing the praise of His incredible work. I decided that I think that it is in moments when the sky is darkest, God’s greatest glory and work can be displayed even more clearly and brilliantly. It is as if God uses the dark sky as a canvas to showcase His incredible works of beauty. All who see it can’t help but be drawn to Him in some way. I mean, even now if you were to go out into your backyard at nighttime and stare up at into the dark sky, your eyes would probably naturally be drawn to the stars or else to the house lights around you. Try to find a black spot and just stare at that spot for a while. Don't your eyes long for the stars instead? Don't they naturally seek a light- even just a faint glimmer? My prayer and my hope as I struggle through this dark season is that not only will I continue to focus on the little glimmers of hope that shine through but that I also can be used like a dark night sky to showcase His glory. No one seems to notice the dark sky as much when the streaks of light are glowing through. The dark fades and the light takes over. Wouldn't it be awesome if my depression has a purpose like the dark sky? What if somehow, by God's grace, my time of darkness can be used to showcase God's glory? What if this time of sickness could be used for God's ultimate glory and purpose? Hmm... Just pondering out loud.
"Therefore, we also pray always for you that our God would count you worthy of His calling, and fulfill all the good pleasure of His goodness and the work of faith with power, that the name of our Lord Jesus Christ may be glorified in you, and you in Him according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ." 2 Thessalonians 1:11-12
"Therefore the sisters sent to Him saying, 'Lord, behold, he whom You love is sick.' And when Jesus heard that, He said, ' This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God may be glorified through it'." John 11: 3-4
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